It’s been a rough week. Well, a rough year really. I didn’t make things easier by reflecting upon where I was at this time last year and thinking about how happy and hopeful I was in comparison. Things were going well, I had met someone who I thought was cool and could possibly treat me decently (they didn’t). Then that went downhill among the death of my animal companions of 9 years and here I am.
It’s like the universe said, “shit! she thinks this is how things are, let’s remind her that in her life, men see her as disposable and everything is punctuated by loss!” Like oh things are going well, but don’t forget that’s a fluke and you’re a piece of shit.
I’m trying here. I’m dealing as well as I know how. I’m processing losses while I introduce a new fuzzy (and INSANE) friend into my life. I’m getting back to personal training for my back and mental health. (oh and so maybe I live up to the impossible standards men have for women they date in this area. Maybe I’d have been acknowledged fully by the last guy if I hadn’t been so fat? Probably. My bad.)
But I’m to a point where it’s like, why bother? I managed to save some money to go towards debt, only to need two new tires and had to pay a lot more for physical therapy than I thought. So there goes all that money. I nurture relationships and get nothing in return. Friends are moving across the country, and more are considering jobs far away. Decade-old drama resurfaced as well,* which is like a cherry on top of the fuck you sundae.
I suppose it seems like a conspiracy if you lump it all together, and this year has been quite a lump of bullshit. But then when you get reminders like these, that everything is temporary and everyone leaves, is there even a point?
Life is loss. I am nothing.
*In reality, the decade-old drama was a slight annoyance, and in full is a reminder that while I may not be married, have kids, own a house, or any of those other milestones (that don’t mean shit if you’re honest), at least I’ve worked on myself and had TONS more personal growth than anyone I knew back then. They’re still doing all the same shit. So I’ll take my current depression and say I’m still better off, thank you very much. At least I can recognize what’s going on and will actually work to fix it. (just maybe later….)