Life on hold

I haven’t blogged in a while. I suppose injuring myself, having a number of family visits, and tending a sick cat will do that.

I started PT today for my back. No surprises there: it hurts, I need to stretch and work on my core. I hope to see results, especially with all the hoops I’m jumping through to schedule this around work.

With Tag’s illness moving along at such a slow pace, I’m dealing with phases of denial and depression. Part of the time I’m living life, but then feel like I’m denying the fact that he’s sick. The other part of the time it floors me. I spent all of this weekend metaphorically on the floor over it. There’s nothing I can do but wait. For someone with my OCD tendencies, taking things like this “one day at a time” is torture. I can’t make plans, I have to consider a lot of things with the possibility of any kind of change happening. I feel trapped.  And then I feel like I have nothing else but sadness going on in my life, so when I hang out with anyone I have nothing to share except that sadness, so I worry I’ll alienate them or bore them to death, so why bother seeing people? It’s the vicious cycle of any kind of depression. “I need to be around people, but no one would want to be around me anyway, so why bother?”

Why bother, indeed. Then it leaks into every other facet of life. Should I start a new fitness routine? Answer: you never stick with it and it doesn’t change anything anyway. Why bother?  Should I ask that guy out? Answer: now is not a good time with the cat, and besides, you’re undesirable anyway, remember? Etc, etc.

And then, among all this is the demon of social media. I took one look at it on Saturday morning and it was a miracle I even got out of bed after that. Fuck your fake lives. For real. Also, SO MUCH BAD NEWS. Can we stop killing each other now, please? I just don’t need it in my current state. Here, look at this thing that tells you how not special you are while reminding you that we’re all gonna die. HEALTHY!

TL;DR: Currently depressed and extremely negative. Be patient with me.


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