But then aren’t most Sundays on the shitty side?
I felt like my day was going just peachy until I saw something that really opened my eyes and made me face how crappy someone had been to me in the past. Had a rush of a lot of emotions, took something to relax and napped, and now I’m in the foggy, coming down phase. What really sucks is that I had been having such a good morning, and then this shit triggers me. At least now I’m more angry than anything. Getting myself to the angry phase in these kinds of processes is a big step. And then I feel like I can really get some moving on done. But we’ll see, I’m also notoriously weak emotionally and easily swayed. THE SUSPENSE WILL KILL YOU. I’m sure.
While anger is good, I do struggle with processing it and always fear it consuming me. There’s a balance that exists between good and bad anger, and if you tip over into the bad anger, it can become something you feed off of. I’m talking about when it gets to how Toni Morrison describes it:
“Anger…it’s a paralyzingly emotion…you can’t get anything done. People sort of think it’s an interesting, passionate, and igniting feeling — I don’t think it’s any of that — it’s helpless…it’s absence of control — and I need all of my skills, all of the control, all of my powers…and anger doesn’t provide any of that — I have no use for it whatsoever.”
I believe Morrison is talking about the unhealthy anger. The kind people hang onto for years and allow it to affect innocent parties in their current lives. And allow it to diminish their own lives. I’ve been there, holding on to things for years on end and allowing it to color certain things that I could have enjoyed or embraced, but was too self-righteous in that anger to let it go. I think you can still be angry about a thing, but not let it kill your joy for other aspects of life. This is a small, but still significant example. I dated a guy who turned out to be a giant asshole: he ghosted me on my birthday. Having had other bullshit romantic experiences around that, it crushed me for a few weeks. (Because SRSLY WHO DOES THAT.) While we were seeing each other (and he was wearing the skins of normal humans) he introduced me to a song I LOVED. It’s one of those songs that instantly makes you want to boogie and makes you happy. While I was getting over his actions, I couldn’t listen to that song. It seemed impossible to enjoy anything related to that person. Then one day, months later, the song came on as I was driving and I was like FUCK YOU AND FUCK IT, and I boogied in the car. WHY WHY WHY would I let some demon man child steal my joy for that song for the rest of time because he couldn’t be considerate? I took it back, and will never allow another person to steal my joy of things again.
SO. Coming back to the anger I felt today. I *think* it was healthy anger. So far. It pushed me to cut someone out that I was struggling to cut out until now (irrational hope, anyone?). What I saw opened my eyes so I could more clearly see that this person was pathologically incapable of giving a shit about my feelings, and of seeing just how shitty they were to me and made me feel. So I got pissed, and took steps to take care of myself.
Do I think it could boil over into the territory of paralyzing, bitter anger? I always have those concerns. But I also think anger is part of any emotional process involved with loss, so I should feel it, but keep it in check. Hopefully, if I still feel this way in a few months I will be able to chickity-check myself and fix it (SORRY).
So did anything good happen this weekend? Kinda. I cleaned up a bit and caught up on Brooklyn Nine Nine, which makes me laugh so I’ll use that as ammunition against the negative feelings. I’m almost done with my scarf that I’ve been knitting for months now, so my mother should get it by next winter, sometime. I planted a memorial garden for Java–one of his vets sent a little felt heart with wildflower seeds in it with their sympathy card, and some friends donated a pot and some dirt. That’s something healthy, right? And that’s about it.
In case you were wondering, this is the happy song that I took back from that sad mofo of years ago:
Sorry, YouTube is a little bitch that won’t let me embed from a mobile device.
I fixed it.
Here’s another to round this out, and good night: