I had a draft of a Things I Loved This Week started….for last week…but I didn’t get around to finishing it. Needless to say, I was having a rough few days. I still found stuff to love, though! Even if they were kinda lame, like…my cat…and my taco socks. SHUT UP.
After a productive therapy appointment (lots of tears and realizations), and hashing some things out with people relevant to certain situations that shall not be named here, I feel a little better. Part of the problem is that, and I’ve said this before, I don’t know how to grieve and I have unrealistic expectations for myself.
On the first point, I found myself buried under a tsunami of emotions about losing my cat and ending things with that guy, and I felt like it was abnormal. But as I was reminded, grieving takes time, whether it’s for a death of a loved one (or pet) or for the end of a relationship. Feelings will come in waves, and you need to ride out those waves. I tend to think, “Well, a certain amount of time has passed so I’m getting on with it.” But that doesn’t matter. Years can pass and I may find myself still crying about Java every great once in a while, and that’s okay.
This leads into my unrealistic expectations. I tell myself I should be through the process as efficiently as possible, and that I’m weak or broken if I’m not in top form right away. I’ve improved upon this but I absolutely catch myself still doing it. I mentioned in a previous post that I had jumped right back into downloading a dating app after breaking it off with the dude. I thought that since I’m 35, not getting any younger, and everyone around me is married that I can’t waste time and I gotta get back out there and blah blah blah….
It’s a load of bullshit. I’m allowed to go easy on myself. I’m allowed to be sad, and then not sad, and cranky, and then sad again, whatever happens. I’m allowed to be alone and happy if I so choose. Putting pressure on myself, for any reason, doesn’t help anyone. In the end I was making myself more miserable.
Plus, men are awful especially on dating sites which should die in a fire.
Since then the universe has finally thrown me a bone, and by bone I mean the new video game, Mass Effect: Andromeda.
I came to love the original Mass Effect trilogy, an epic space opera that was quite progressive in its time for the many options it gave players through the story, which included storylines representing queer characters and progressive messages. The relations between the humans and the alien races spoke to issues we’re STILL experiencing among ourselves, so in a sense, it’s timeless. It was an imperfect trilogy, but I think it’s Bioware’s (the game company’s) masterpiece.
Which leads me to note that many players, after only a day or two of the game being released, have been criticizing it. And my reaction is, like, really? It’s kind of naive to expect a company that has produced flawed but amazing games to CONSTANTLY deliver to everyone’s expectations. Let’s be realistic. Each product from an artist is not going to always be better than the last. This is a new story, and maybe I’m getting too chill in my old age or something, but I don’t have the energy to nitpick things anymore (especially lately). I’m enjoying seeing a familiar sci-fi universe and experiencing a new adventure. So far, so good. If it takes a dramatic turn for the worse, I’ll let you know. Until then, relax, nerds.
No one expected Michaelangelo to build fucking Robocop after he finished sculpting David.