An honest cover letter

Things at my current job aren’t exactly stable these days, and while it won’t imminently affect my employment status, I’ve been thinking that I should start trickling out resumes. I applied for a position today and didn’t attach a cover letter. Mostly out of spite. But also because I don’t believe in them and know that most people hate reading them and more often than not don’t even look at them. Still doesn’t mean that not attaching it was a great idea–they could see that as a lack of effort whether they read it or not and cut me from the pile for that reason. But…I just can’t.

I’m good at what I do, but one thing I’m not good at is selling myself. I’m not good at selling anything because I’m not a good liar. Let’s face it, no one is as good as their cover letter. The majority of people aren’t 100% all about their jobs all of the time, even the best employees. Even Jesus used his magic powers to slack off—instead of going to the liquor store he turned water into wine because even the son of god won’t go to a dry wedding. So yeah, he was all, “fuck healing people today, let’s get weird!” At least that’s what I got out of it.

So anyway. I can’t do it, not during this bout of depression. But here, for your entertainment, I’ll share what I would have said if I had sent one in:

To whom it may concern:

Hi. I’d like to work for you, specifically as a technical writer, though I’m also good at video games, eating donuts and reciting lines from old movies and cartoons. I’ve been a technical writer for almost six years now, and wrote for reference books before that, so I can put words together correctly and in a way stupid people understand. Not that I’m saying your customers are stupid. Wait, yes, they probably are. Ask your customer support people, they’ll agree.

Not only am I good at writing things that make sense, I’m also good at nodding and smiling at superiors who do nothing more than delegate tasks and forward emails with rhetorical questions they already know the answers to. And I always show up on time for meetings and stay awake the whole time, even when it’s a meeting about meetings! Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee that I am always paying perfect attention. My mind has a tendency to stray, usually to things like sandwiches or wizards. But if you need any good recommendations for a deli or a sci-fi/fantasy novel, I’m the employee for you!

I may have a depressive personality, but don’t worry—I handle it like a professional. I only cry in bathroom stalls and if I have to cry at my desk, I make sure it’s silent.

I’m sure the resident office busybody—the one that doesn’t manage anyone yet acts like they do—will complain that I’m a few minutes late here and there, and I’ll be reprimanded, even though I can work circles around them and get my work done more than on time. Oh, and I’ll be gracefully silent when they get more recognition only because they’re naturally louder.

To sum up, I get the job done and don’t make trouble. Shit, this could have been only one line?

I look forward to never hearing from you, XOXO,

M.A.

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