So after I submitted the last post, I commuted (is that a word?). First day this week where the day went well, my mood was fine even if I was a little foggy. On my way home and after, however, it’s been on the attack. To the point where as I was doing chores and getting dinner ready, a headache came on so bad and so fast that I was thrown off balance. I didn’t fall, and I’m okay. I’m trying to weather the pain for a bit before I take my muscle relaxer because it’ll knock me out.
Something–and I know what–threw me off and the repercussions didn’t occur until now. My nasty self-talk kicked in. Saying things like, “I wonder what it would be like to date someone who actually wanted to be there. Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be with someone without one foot always out the door, who’s not still in love with someone else, who actually sees and considers me; what it would be like to have someone else around the house.” And on, and on, and on….
It’s not fun. Logically, I know I take care of me and (at least at this point of my adult life) make decent decisions. But that spot of logic is so tiny right now, and the hurt is so immense, both physically and mentally, that it’s *really* hard to push past it. And that’s it. I have no solution right now, only “what is wrong with me?” dancing through my head.
Guess I’ll eat my dinner.